特武土 德欧豆
Po-ta-toes-zah. Zah.
土豆
Potatoes.
宝贝
Baby. Baby.
Can I hear it without the house for a second?
能不能先把背景音关一下?
就是这样
Yep. Yep. [drawn-out] Yep.
"All those who try..."
“那些想⋯”
好了 打开所有声效
All right, bring it all in.
“女士们先生们
"Ladies and gentlemen
在那红色的角落⋯”
in the red corner..."
-“作为南非裔⋯” -“就是这样”
- "As a South African..." - Yep. Yep. Yep.
“在那红色的角落⋯”
"In the red corner..."
-“我收到了好多⋯” -“美国”
"I've had so many, so many of them..."
"Americans."
-“就是这样” -“作为一个美国人”
- Yep. Yep. - "As Americans..."
“作为一个美国人”
"As Americans..."
“我意识到⋯
-"You gotta realize..." -"Never again."
这不是问题”
"...it's not a question."
有一个地方⋯
♪ There's a place... ♪
“好多⋯”
"So many..."
-“⋯而是如何做” -“我试过⋯”
- "...but rather of how." - "I've tried..."
-“我就知道我们能行” -“我明白⋯ ”
- "Gotta know that yes, we can." - "I know..."
Yep.
就是这样
Where are all the people? Why are there no people here?
人都去哪了?怎么没人呢?
什么叫我来早了?
What do you mean, I'm early?
Ahh.
声音听起来很棒
Yeah, that sounds amazing.
特雷弗·诺亚:但愿你可以
最近怎么样 加拿大多伦多?
What's going on, Toronto, Canada?
大家还好吗?
How you doing, everybody?
欢迎来看我的节目!
Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! Thank you so much for coming out!
欢迎各位!谢谢你们来看!
我们做到了!
We made it!
我们做到了
Oh, we made it.
真的很了不起
This is so amazing.
离开太久了 真的太久了
What a long time. It has been too long.
太久了 但现在我们回来了
Too long. But we're back.
And it's so good to see you all again.
再次见到大家真的很开心
Oh, man, I've missed this. I've missed this so much.
我想念舞台 我想念这一切
我想念巡回表演的感觉
I've missed going around the world.
我想念人们的语言和文化
I've missed people's languages and cultures.
我们刚在欧洲演过 感觉太棒了
We just did Europe as well. It was so fantastic.
One of my dreams came true.
这实现了我的一个梦想
我第一次去了瑞士
I got to go to Switzerland for the first time.
这是我的梦想之一
One of my dreams.
有些观众可能不知道 我解释一下为什么这是我的梦想
If you don't know this about me, I'll tell you why it was such a big dream.
因为我妈妈是来自南非的科萨黑人
My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa.
我也是在南非长大的
I grew up in South Africa, right?
Molweni, molweni.
My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right?
而我爸爸是来自瑞士的白人
但我从来没去过瑞士
And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.
后来我有能力去了 但又没时间
Then, when I got the chance, I never made the time.
所以一直没去成 最近 我终于第一次
Then I couldn't go. Then finally now, we went to Switzerland
去了瑞士
for the first time.
仿佛整个人都被解放了
And it was liberating.
原因是这样的
'Cause here's the thing.
从我出生以来
My whole life, my whole life
我一直都觉得我爸不是真的爱我
I have always felt like my dad didn't really love me.
你们懂吗?
Okay?
但是最近 我去瑞士见了他之后
And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland
我才发现 不是那样的
I was like, "No."
那只是因为他是瑞士人
"He's just Swiss."
They're all like that.
瑞士人都那样
不过还是有点奇怪
It was a bit weird, though.
因为我想给他个惊喜
I tried to surprise him, though.
Right? I tried to surprise him by learning German.
所以我学了德语 希望给他个惊喜
我们俩很久没见了
We hadn't seen each other for a while.
因为他说的是德语 所以我想给他个惊喜
Because he speaks German, I thought I'd surprise him on the trip.
于是我开始到多邻国上学德语
You know? I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying.
后来又去了德国 把学的东西都练习了一遍
And I got to Germany. Like, practiced the whole thing.
最后到瑞士的时候 我很有把握
Got to Switzerland, was like, "Oh, this is it."
也有很自信 觉得一定能给我爸个惊喜
I was ready. Like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."
我本来想的是直接去他家
I planned to get to his house, knock on the door.
他开门后会惊喜地说:“特雷弗!”
He'd open it, surprised, like, "Oh! Trevor!"
然后我说:“爸爸 我会说德语了”
Then I'd be like, "Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"
他会回答我:“哈?我爱你!”
He was gonna be like, "Huh? Ich liebe dich!"
最后我们俩会⋯
Be like...
Was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out.
我本来计划好了一切
但现实并没有按计划进行
Didn't go according to plan.
I got there. He was surprised. He was happy. But as soon as I spoke
他见到我之后的确 很惊喜很开心 但等我一开口
“爸爸 我会说德语了”
I was like, "Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"
结果他说:“别这样”
He was like, "Don't do that. Don't do that, huh?"
"No, don't do that. No."
“不 别这样”
学习德语对我来说是个奇怪的经历
Learning German has been a weird journey for me.
我之所以想学德语是因为 我爸家的大部分人说的都是德语
You know? I wanna speak it because most of my family speaks it on my dad's side.
但是我⋯
But I...
我发现我的德语有些不好的地方
I've learned a few things about my German which haven't been great.
我当时在德国
I was in Germany
在一个叫科隆的地方拜访亲戚
visiting some extended family in a place called Cologne.
那是个美丽的城市 如果你没去过 一定要去
Beautiful city. If you've never been, you should go.
那里特别美
Stunning. Stunning place.
当时我和朋友罗尔夫在一起
And one of my friends, Rolf, was with me in the city. Right?
One day Rolf turns to me, like...
有一天罗尔夫对我说:“特雷弗
"Trevor, you know, today maybe we should have
“不如今天我们去 尝传统的德国菜吧?
a traditional German meal, ja?"
你想吃传统的德国菜吗?
"You want to eat something traditionally German?"
我带你去吃 好吗?”
"Ja, we're going to take you, okay?"
我说:“听起来很棒 罗尔夫 我们要吃什么?”
I was like, "That sounds amazing, Rolf. What are we gonna have?"
他说:“你听说过赛百味吗?”
He's like, "Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?"
"I don't think that's German, Rolf."
“那好像不是德国菜 罗尔夫”
他说:“不 我只是想帮助你理解
He's like, "Nein, nein. I'm just saying to understand the chain."
"Right? Where you're going to be having the sandwiches
你懂吗?那是个卖三明治的店
里面有面包 你还能选配料”
und you are having the bread und choosing the toppings."
我说:“我知道赛百味是怎么回事”
Like, "Yeah, I know how Subway works, man."
他说:“那好 我带你 去的就是德国版的赛百味
He's like, "Okay. Ach so, I want to take you to a German version, ja?"
但比那好吃 绝对好吃
"Better than that. Better."
都是上等的面包和肉 你必须要去”
"Like, with the best bread und meat. You have to go."
然后我们就去了 而且他没骗人
So he took me, and he wasn't lying.
我们进到了这个三明治店里
So we go to this sandwich shop.
看起来历史特别悠久
It's, like, 50 years old.
所有东西都很德国 我们进去后 我心想
Everything is in German. We walk in, I was like
就是这里了!
"Oh, this is it!"
虽然不是我爸的家 但我可以在这里练习德语
"Might not be my dad's house, but this is where I can practice my German."
Rolf looks at me, like, "Would you like me to order?"
罗尔夫看着我说: “你想让我帮你点餐吗?”
我说:“不 我自己来点”
I was like, "No, Rolf, I'll... I'll order the food."
他说:“好吧 你要付钱吗?”
He's like, "Okay, you're going to buy the food?"
“不 是你付钱 我只是想点餐”
Like, "No, you're gonna buy. I just wanna order it."
"I just wanna practice my German."
“我只是想练习德语”
他说:“他们可能听不懂你的话
He's like, "But they might not understand you, ja?"
因为德语很难⋯”
"Because German can be diff--"
我说:“我可以搞定 罗尔夫”
I was like, "Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this."
我走向柜台 柜台的女士非常友好
So I walk up to the counter. The woman was really friendly.
她说:“您好 有什么需要我帮忙的吗?”
Like, "Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?"
我说:“你好!”
I was like, "Guten tag!"
"Ich will ein kleinen Broten haben, bitte schön!"
“我要一个小面包”
“黑面包加奶酪”
"Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!"
“烤牛肉”
"Und das Schinken, bitte schön!"
“还有一杯百事可乐!谢谢!”
"Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!"
她快吓屎了
And she shat herself.
我永远都不会忘记
I'll never forget the look
那个女人脸上的表情
in that woman's face.
她吓呆了 她盯着我说
She was petrified. She stared at me and was like...
"Der Schwarze Hitler!"
“黑人希特勒!”
Which means "the Black Hitler."
意思就是“黑人希特勒”
没错
Yeah.
因为我说某些单词的语调
The way I inflect on certain words
明显有种领袖的感觉
has a certain, uh, Führer feeling to it, apparently.
我当时特别震惊
I was devastated.
罗尔夫却觉得非常好笑
Rolf thought it was hilarious.
The whole ride home, we're in the car, he's hitting himself.
开车回去的路上 他一直在拍腿狂笑
"Oh mein Gott!"
“我的天哪!
黑人希特勒
"Der Schwarze Hitler!"
"Oh, Trevor, can you imagine if Hitler was Black?"
特雷弗 你能想象希特勒是黑人吗?
"It totally wouldn't have worked, ja?"
那他肯定当不上领袖 对吧?”
我说:“罗尔夫 这并不好笑
Like, "Rolf, it's not that funny."
"I tried to learn German to connect with my family
我学德语只是为了和家人沟通
结果却听起来像是历史上最坏的人”
and sound like one of the worst humans in history."
他说:“没错 但那真的很好笑
He's like, "Yeah, but it was totally funny."
你真该看看自己的样子
"You should have seen yourself."
"It's like you were about to invade the meat section."
看起来就像你要 入侵那个肉类专区一样
老天爷!你真该⋯”
"Oh mein Gott!" "Oh, you should have--"
我说:“罗尔夫 你怎么这样?
I was like, "Rolf, it's not cool, man!"
我正伤心呢”
"I'm in pain right now."
他说:“冷静点 特雷弗 让我享受一下幸灾乐祸的感觉”
He's like, "Calm down, Trevor. Calm down, ja?"
"Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?"
He actually taught me a new word that day.
那天他教会了我一个新词
一个我从未听过的词
Yeah. Never heard it before.
“幸灾乐祸”
"Schadenfreude."
这是个德语单词“幸灾乐祸”
German word. Schadenfreude.
知道吗?
All right?
它的意思是 “从别人的痛苦中获得巨大的快乐”
It means "to take great joy in the pain and suffering of others."
Fun fact...
有趣的是
这个词从未被翻译成其他的语言
That word was never translated into another language.
I wonder why.
真想知道为什么
不得了的词 不是吗?幸灾乐祸
Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude.
为什么会有人这么做?
Why would you want that?
从别人的痛苦中寻找快乐 为什么?
To indulge in others' pain and suffering. Why would you...
但我又想了想 虽然听起来很糟糕
But then when I thought about it, I was like, "It sounds terrible, but...
但我们都会这么做
we all do it."
Every one of us in this room.
包括坐在这里的所有人
我们都经历过幸灾乐祸
We all experience schadenfreude.
不是吗?
You know?
我们都是 你肯定有过幸灾乐祸的经历
We all do. You know when you have schadenfreude?
比如你在高速上开车的时候
When you're driving on the highway, yeah?
速度平稳 一切都很顺利
And you're cruising along, everything's going well
然后你看向另一边 堵得水泄不通
and you look over on the other side, and the traffic is packed up.
And you get that little feeling inside.
你心里肯定有种感觉
“我的选择果然是正确的!”
Like... "I made the right choices in life!"
That's schadenfreude.
这就是幸灾乐祸
You know what schadenfreude is?
你知道幸灾乐祸是什么吗?
幸灾乐祸就是一个黑人女性看到
Schadenfreude is what happened when Black women
那些中年白人男性得知迪士尼
saw middle-aged white men crying
要改编《小美人鱼》后 伤心至极的情形
after Disney said they were changing The Little Mermaid.
那就是幸灾乐祸
That's schadenfreude.
那是我看过的最好笑的事情之一
That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.
一个成年男人在大哭
Grown men, crying.
“我的童年被毁掉了!
"This is ruining my childhood!"
"They changed The Little Mermaid!"
他们改编了《小美人鱼》!
她跟原版长得一点都不像!”
"She looks nothing like the original!"
“一点都不像”?
"Nothing"?
She looks nothing like the original, really? Nothing?
她跟原版长得一点都不像 真的吗?
你看到她之后真的 一点都想不到原版吗?
There is nothing that reminds you of the original when you look at her?
一点都没有?你知道 唯一改变的只有肤色对吧?
Nothing at all? You realize the only thing that changed is the color of her skin?
而且只有这部分的肤色
This part of the color of her skin.
头发还是红的 下半部分还是鱼
The hair's red, the body is fish.
这都没有让你想到小美人鱼吗?
That doesn't remind you of The Little Mermaid?
你在《小美人鱼》中唯一 注意到的东西就是肤色?真的吗?
That was the main thing that you recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really?
You know what schadenfreude is?
你知道幸灾乐祸是什么吗?
幸灾乐祸
Schadenfreude
就是
is what
所有来自
everybody from
爱尔兰和肯尼亚
Ireland and Kenya
以及特立尼达
and Trinidad
牙买加
and Jamaica...
...and South Africa... and India...
南非
和印度的人
听到
...all felt
新闻报道英国王室噩耗的感觉
when the news came out and said, "The Royal Family has bad news."
很多人不理解我们 他们会说:“天哪 你是在笑吗?”
Here's the thing people don't understand. People are like...
"Are you laughing at this?" "Yes, first of all. But..."
首先 我是在笑 但是⋯
"...you're misunderstanding it." Right?
你误解了 好吗?
他们总是对人们对待 王室噩耗的反应非常敏感
The Royal Family always gets sensitive about people responding to their bad news.
But they don't understand, that's not really bad news.
但他们并不理解 那不能算是真的噩耗
每次英国王室都想让 我们为他们感到遗憾
Every time the Royal Family wants us to feel sorry for them
但那真是噩耗吗?
is it really bad news? Huh?
他们会说: “我们现在需要您的同情
They be like... [British accent] "Please, we ask you for your sympathy right now."
我们失去了哈里和梅根”
"We have lost Harry and Meghan."
“失去了他们?他们失踪了吗?”
"Lost them? They're missing?"
“不
"No, no."
你们最爱的英国夫妇 现在变成了美国夫妇”
"Your favorite British couple has now become your favorite American couple."
-“王室传来噩耗” -“是噩耗吗?”
"The Royal Family has bad news."
"Is it bad news?" "Yes, it is."
“当然是啊 女王去世了”
"The Queen has died." "Died of what?"
死于什么?
寿终正寝!
Finishing life!
You kidding? I'm not saying someone shouldn't grieve
你在开玩笑吗? 我不是说大家不该悲伤
但女王是寿终正寝
but she finished life.
你知道有多少人没机会 寿终正寝吗?而她做到了
Do you know how many human beings don't get to do that? She finished it.
她死时仍是女王 而且死于寿终正寝
She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age.
也就是说游戏被她通关了
That means you finished the game.
片尾字幕都出来了
Done. Credits are rolling.
Buried with the jewels.
还有金银珠宝陪葬
话题标签“赢麻了”
Hashtag "winning."
你想让殖民地的人民伤心? 那是他们的珠宝
You want the colonies to be sad? Those are their jewels.
Africans are like, "Can we have our diamonds back?"
非洲人说: “你们能把钻石还给我们吗?”
他们说: “不行 钻石要陪女王下葬”
They're like, "No, the Queen takes them with her."
You kidding me?
开玩笑吗?
人们会说:“你不该这么说女王
People are like, "This is not the time to be talking about her."
你不该说她的坏话 那不⋯
"You shouldn't be saying bad things about her. It's not..."
你不该说死者的坏话”
"You shouldn't be speaking ill of the dead."
不 这正是我们该做的事
No, that's exactly what you should do.
Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit about people is when they're dead.
说一个人坏话的 最佳时机就是等他们死了
懂吗?
All right?
Can we agree on this in society?
我们能在这方面达成共识吗?
大家都活着的时候对彼此好点
Maybe be nicer to each other when we're alive
等有人死了再说他们的坏话
and let's talk shit when people die.
行吗?
All right?
Do that for me, people.
各位 答应我
我死了之后 你们怎么说我都行
When I'm dead, say whatever you want about me.
但是如果在街上 看到我 打个招呼就好
When you see me in the streets, just say hi.
You know why? 'Cause I'm gone.
知道为什么吗?因为我死了
有些人说
People are like...
"These people up there dancing on her grave."
“居然有人在女王的坟墓上跳舞”
坟墓不就是用来干这个的吗? 不然为什么建成平的?
Yeah, that's what graves are for. That's why they made them flat.
The whole point was people could dance on them.
目的就是为了让人在上面跳舞
不然为什么不堆成斜的? 一跳就会滑下来
Otherwise, they would've made them slanted so you would slide off.
即使是那样 女王也赢麻了
And even in that, the Queen is winning.
因为在她的墓地上 跳舞的都是顶级舞者
She's got some of the best dancers dancing on her grave. Huh?
Can you imagine the Africans coming in?
你能想象非洲人过来的情景吗?
他们在那儿跳舞的样子?
They're just there, huh, doing their thing?
然后爱尔兰人说: “下一个该我们了
Then the Irish are like, "We're up next. Hey!"
坟墓上也给我们留点空”
"Oh, save us some space on the grave."
接下来是印度人“该轮到我们了”
You've got the Indians coming in. "Now it's our moment."
最后是加勒比人 边唱边跳:“她写下了谋杀”
Finally, everyone from the Caribbean... ♪ Murder, she wrote ♪
来点掌声!
Give it up!
我以前最喜欢
One of my favorite things
做的一件事
I used to love doing
就是看恐怖电影
was watching horror movies
and then judging people when they made stupid decisions.
一有人做蠢事 我就开始吐槽
那是我的最爱
I love it.
我太喜欢恐怖电影了
I watch horror movies.
I wait for people to make stupid decisions.
专门等他们做蠢事
然后等他们死了 我会说:“你活该”
And then when they die, I'm like, "You deserved it."
Never makes sense.
那些剧情完全不合理
一点都不合理
Never.
比如说被人追杀
You know? Someone being chased.
后面追的人带着面罩 手里拿着刀
There's, like, a guy in a mask, and he's got a knife. Right?
被追的人却还在走
Guy's walking.
跑到汽车旁边后 才开始找钥匙
Person runs to their car. They always fumble with the keys.
Dead. What are you doing?
这还不死?你在干嘛?
What are you doing?
你在干嘛?
如果有人拿刀追你 你跑到了汽车附近
If someone's chasing you with a knife and you get to a car
不要进到车里 那是浪费时间
don't bother getting in. It's a waste of time.
你只需要站在汽车的这边
All you do is just run to this side of the car.
然后等追你的人
And then you wait.
如果他往那边跑 你就往这边跑
When they go that way, you go this way.
They go that way, you go this way.
如果他往这边跑 你就往那边跑
跑一天他都抓不到你
Yeah, we can do this shit all day.
恐怖电影里的人做的事 总是特别蠢 我不懂为什么
People make the dumbest decisions in horror movies. I don't get it.
My favorite is when people just have to hide.
我最喜欢的情节就是 他们要躲起来的时候
他们只要躲起来闭上嘴就行了
That's all they have to do. Just hide and shut up.
For an hour and a half, they can't do it.
一个半小时过去了 还是没藏好
就像《寂静之地》一样
Like in A Quiet Place.
你们看过吗?那是我最爱的电影之一
Have you watched that? One of my favorite movies of all time.
看过吗?就是有看不见 东西的外星人的那部?
Yeah? The one with the aliens that don't see anything?
它们用回声定位每个人的位置
They just use echolocation to figure out where everyone is.
主角们总会躲到小屋里 然后开始⋯
There's always the people hiding in the shed. Just there, like...
Shh...
You just have to be quiet. You can just chill.
那么害怕干嘛 只要不出声就行了
呆在那儿 放松点
Just be there, chilling.
Could be sitting there playing Xbox quietly.
甚至可以坐那儿安静地打电子游戏
No...
他们偏要这样
Shh...
而且那个小孩总会笑出声
There's always that baby.
Shh!
有时候你都能 看出来那个怪物就要放弃了
And there'll always be the moment where you can see the monster's given up.
你懂吗?就是怪物想要放弃了⋯
You know? The moment where the monster's like...
And just as it's about to leave, just as it's about to go
正当它要离开 它要走的时候
there's always one idiot, one idiot who jumps up, like
总有一个傻子跳出来大喊
“我真的受不了了!
"I can't take it anymore!"
你过来呀!”
"Come get me!"
Dead. You deserved it.
然后就死了 活该
'Cause I never got it. Right? I never understood.
我从来就不理解他们的脑回路
Why? All you have to do is wait.
为什么要那样?只要等一会就好啦
只要在里面等得久一点 危险就会逐渐平息
You just stay inside for long enough, and the danger will subside.
为什么就做不到呢? 为什么呆在屋里就这么难?
Why can't you do it? Why is it so hard to just stay inside?
然后新冠疫情就来了
And then the pandemic hit.
I was like, "Ah, now I get it."
我才明白“啊 原来是这样”
Ah, 'cause we all hit our breaking point.
因为我们都处于崩溃的边缘
疫情把大家逼疯了
The pandemic made people crazy.
我以为大家会团结起来 这是我一直以来的信念
I thought we were all gonna come together. That's what I believed.
我小时候看的电影都是这样
From all the movies I watched as a kid.
我以为人类面临生存威胁的时候
I thought if humans were ever threatened with an existential threat
我们会放下所有的矛盾
we would abandon every single fight we were having
团结起来 赢得胜利
and we would come together to win.
你明白吗?
You know?
I thought if that virus came, we'd all be there.
我以为病毒来了 人们会团结起来
“再也不要种族歧视 和性别歧视 让我们一起面对
We'd be like, "All right, no more racism. No more sexism. Let's do this together."
然后我们会打败 外星人 继续之前的斗争
And we'd go and defeat the enemy aliens, and then we'd come back
好了 让我们继续种族歧视性别歧视吧”
be like, "All right, let's get back to the racism and sexism."
就像《独立日》一样 里面的剧情就是这样的
Like in Independence Day, that's what happened. Remember?
我小时候看的都是这样的电影
Yeah. That's what I grew up watching.
全世界人民团结起来 抗击外星人 停止所有的⋯
Everyone in the world came together to fight the aliens. We stopped all our...
再也没有权力斗争 而是并肩作战 赢得胜利
There was no politics, no nothing. We unified, and we won.
然而现实生活我们做了什么? 我们继续内斗 最终一败涂地
And then in real life, what do we do? We fought each other, and we lost.
我们本该成为一个团队
We were supposed to be a team.
威尔史密斯本该是我们的英雄
Will Smith was supposed to be our hero.
一切都没有按计划进行!
None of it went as planned!
I wonder if that's how the dinosaurs went out, you know?
我想知道恐龙灭绝 是不是也是这个原因
它们可能也是无法达成一致
Maybe they just couldn't agree on anything.
Maybe some warned the others, like, "There's an asteroid!"
或许某些恐龙警告过其他恐龙: “小行星要来了!”
"There's an asteroid coming down to Earth!"
“有颗小行星朝地球飞过来了!”
其他恐龙说:“小行星都是假的!”
Other dinosaurs are like, "Asteroids are not real!"
"It's a hoax!"
“那是个骗局!”
然后小行星就击中了地球
That rock smashed into the planet...
Dust covered the globe.
尘土遮盖了整个星球
所有恐龙开始四处逃窜
All the dinosaurs were running around in panic
“啊 到处都是尘土!”
"Ahh! The dust is everywhere!"
“戴上口罩!”
"Wear a mask! Wear a mask!"
The T. rex was like, "I can't!"
霸王龙说:“我戴不上啊!”
你知道最疯狂的是什么吗?
You know what's so crazy is...
I thought the pandemic was gonna ravage Africa the worst.
我本来以为非洲会遭受最严重的破坏
这是真话 我当时很害怕
Yeah, I won't lie. I was terrified.
我为整个非洲大陆感到恐惧
I was terrified for the African continent.
我一直都认为 如果地球上 爆发病毒 只要传播到非洲
My whole life, I'd seen, whenever there was a virus that broke out in the world
一定会出现最悲惨的局面
if it got to Africa, we got it the worst.
我还记得病毒开始扩散的时候
I remember when it started spreading around the globe.
我做好了万全的准备
I was getting ready for it.
家乡的朋友给我打来了电话
My friends from home were calling me on the phone.
他们问:“特雷弗 你知道 新冠病毒发展成什么样了吗?”
They're like, "Trevor, are you seeing what's happening with coronavirus?"
-“我知道” -“你觉得接下来会发生什么?”
"Yeah, I'm seeing it." "What do you think's gonna happen?"
我说:“你们完了 兄弟 真的”
Like, "Aww, man. You guys are screwed, man."
"You guys?" Like, "Yeah. I'm in America, baby."
-“你们?” -“没错 我在美国呢 哥们”
“我做出了正确的选择”
"I made the right choices in life."
Turns out it was the other way around.
但是事实完全相反
同等条件下 非洲在控制疫情方面
Pound for pound, Africa did better than any other continent
做得比其他大陆都好
in handling the disease.
每个人都震惊了
Shocked everyone.
而且更疯狂的是
What was even wilder was this...
当埃博拉袭击非洲的时候
When Ebola was happening in Africa
新闻播报的语气听起来 总觉得埃博拉的肆虐是非洲本身的错
the news always made it seem like it was Africans' fault for having Ebola.
我每次看新闻都能在 新闻的报道中听出一种
Every time you'd watch the news, there was always a subtle level of blame
微妙的指责 不是吗?
that was happening in the news reports, right?
并没有对非洲人民表现同情
Didn't humanize the people.
而且总是BBC或者Sky 的某位主持人站在镜头前
It would always be someone random on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there.
后面是堆起来的尸体
There'd be dead bodies piled up behind them. Like
“萨拉 我正在西非 你可以看到我身后
"Sarah, I'm standing in West Africa, where as you can see behind me
堆满了感染埃博拉病毒的尸体
the bodies of Ebola victims are piling up."
许多欧洲科学家不禁怀疑
"Many European scientists are asking
这样的不幸是否 是非洲人自身的责任
if unfortunately these Africans have themselves to blame."
他们拒绝接受世卫组织的建议
"They've been refusing the advice of the World Health Organization
也不理解在疫情期间
not understanding the importance of distancing from each other
彼此之间保持距离的重要性
during this time."
显然 这完全是他们自己的责任
"And it appears that they only have themselves to blame."
迪利安潘 BBC台 下面镜头交给演播室”
"Dillian Pann, BBC. Back to you in the studio."
我每次看到这样 的新闻都会想“不!
And I would watch this and be like, "No!"
非洲人 为什么我们要这样对自己?
"Africans, why do we do this to ourselves?"
为什么 非洲?
"Why, Africa?"
为什么?
"Why?"
为什么我们总是这么对自己?
"Why do we love doing this to ourselves?"
为什么我们总是喜欢亲猴子?
"Why do we like kissing monkeys?"
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Mwah, mwah, mwah. "The lips are so sexy."
你的嘴唇好性感”
后来新冠来了
And then when COVID came
在没有西方帮助的情况下
Africans used everything they had learned
非洲人运用 之前和所有病毒抗争的经验
from every virus they had to fight without the help of the West
and they dealt with it better than any other continent.
最终取得了比其他 所有大陆都好的成绩
Didn't get credit, by the way. Everyone made it seem like it was luck.
但还是没获得表扬 所有人都觉得我们走了狗屎运
That's where the world is lucky that Africans aren't spiteful.
只能说这些人 很幸运 非洲人并不恶毒
没错
Yeah.
非洲人都不是恶毒的人
Africans aren't spiteful people.
因为我愿意付出一切
'Cause I would've given anything to see one African news anchor be like
只为了能看到非洲主播这么报道
“大家晚上好 欢迎收看非洲新闻
"Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Africa News Network."
今晚 我们将报道 目前正肆虐整个西方世界
"Tonight, we are covering the ongoing coronavirus pandemic
的新冠病毒疫情
that is ravaging the Western world."
许多非洲科学家不禁怀疑
"Many African scientists are asking
这样的不幸是否 是西方人自身的责任
if these people do not have themselves to blame."
"Many of them have refused the advice of the World Health Organization
他们很多人拒绝 接受世卫组织的建议
完全不在意社交距离的防疫措施
completely ignoring the social distancing methods."
某些人甚至不知道怎么洗手
"Some have even had to be shown how to wash their own hands."
"Savages."
真是野蛮人
显然 新冠疫情愈加严重的原因是
"It appears what has been increasing the severity of this problem
某些人不愿意往自己的脸上戴口罩
is the fact that some do not even want to wear masks across their face
他们的说辞是 ‘戴上这层布我无法呼吸’
saying, quote, 'I cannot breathe through this piece of cloth.'"
"This is commonly known by scientists as 'bitch-ass lungs syndrome.'"
科学家认为 这是明显的贱肺综合征
"Back to you in the studio, Chippewa."
镜头交给演播室 奇普瓦”
Would've given anything to see that.
只要能看到这个 让我干什么都行
我没有想到新冠 带来的最大的副作用居然是
One of the biggest side effects of COVID that I didn't expect
揭露了人类的愚蠢程度
is how stupid it would make human beings.
Yeah. If there's one thing coronavirus did
是的 如果说新冠有什么功劳
那一定是让我知道了我的 朋友里居然有这么多傻子
it taught me how many of my friends are absolute idiots.
每个人上的 都是Facebook大学
Everyone studied at the University of Facebook.
Everyone's a scientist.
每个人都是科学家
Everyone had a conspiracy theory.
每个人都有自己的阴谋论
“你知道这是 为什么吗?都是政府干的”
"You know what happened here. The government did this."
-“政府?” -“没错-都是政府干的”
"Oh, the government?" "Yeah. The government did this."
-“为什么?” -“为了控制我们”
"Why?" "To control us."
你觉得这样政府就能控制我们了?
"You thought this gave them control?"
"You think governments wanted this?"
你以为政府想这样吗?
你觉得哪个办法能 让政府更好的控制我们?
Which do you think gives a government more control?
是让所有人都去工作挣钱
A population that goes to work, earns money
买一些他们负担不起的东西 从而背上债务 不得不再去工作
buys things they can't afford, get into debt, have to go back to work
为了挣钱做更多他们不喜欢的事
do more of the thing they don't like to get more money
给那些他们不需要 又负担不起的东西还贷款
to pay the debt for the thing they didn't need
for the thing they didn't need or afford.
为了那些他们不喜欢又不需要的东西
To get more money to go to the job for the thing they don't like
天天上班挣钱
for the thing they didn't need
为了那些不需要的东西申请贷款
to get the loan for the money for the thing they didn't want
再为了那些不需要 的东西背上更多的债务
to get into more debt to get the thing they don't want
为了还钱不得不苦逼地上班
to go to the job they don't need for the money...
你觉得哪个办法 能更好的控制我们?是那个?
Which do you think gives them more control? That?
还是让所有人都呆在家里
Or everyone just sitting at home
领着免费的补贴 思考人生呢?
with free money, thinking about life?
每个人都坐在家里寻思
Everyone just sitting at home, like
“为什么周末只有两天呢?”
"How come a weekend's only two days?"
这才是政府最大的噩梦
That's a government's worst nightmare.
阴谋论太蠢了
Conspiracies were stupid.
说实话 我并不反对阴谋论
Here's the thing. I'm not against conspiracy theories. Right?
而且我很喜欢高水准的阴谋论
Please understand that. I actually like a good conspiracy theory.
并且我觉得每个人都应该相信
In fact, I think everybody should hold one.
我认为你最少应该 相信一种高水平的阴谋论
I think, in your life, you should hold at least one good conspiracy theory.
这能让你保持警觉
Yeah. Keeps you on your toes.
Don't just trust everything everyone tells you.
但是不要随便相信别人的话
一定要是高水准的
You gotta have one.
你问我最爱的阴谋论?
Like, mine? My personal favorite?
我相信
I believe
麸质是彻底的白人特权
that gluten is concentrated white privilege.
你们知道我是对的
You know I'm right.
但是新冠的阴谋论太荒谬了
But COVID, oh, man, the conspiracies were ridiculous.
因为我知道事实的真相
Especially because I know what really happened.
所以我才那么沮丧
All right? That's what frustrated me.
真的 我真的知道
No, I do.
我知道是什么引起了新冠
I knew exactly what caused COVID. I saw it coming and I didn't say anything.
我知道新冠会来 但我什么都没说 这的确是我的错
My bad, by the way. I, uh...
原因就是人类许的愿太多了
Yeah, it was too much wishing.
我们许了太多的愿
We wished too much.
我早就知道会这样
I saw it coming.
在我小的时候 许愿是件特殊的事
You know, when I was young, wishing was something that was special.
人们不会经常许愿
Didn't happen that much.
只有碰到特殊的场合
You had to have a special set of circumstances
才能许愿
in order to make a wish.
你得找到叶片数量正确的三叶草
You'd find a clover with the right amount of leaves. Yeah?
或是看到流星
There'd be a star, shooting.
-“在哪?” -“在那!”
"Where?" "There!" [gasps] Too late.
已经晚了
Or it had to be your birthday.
或者是你生日的时候
大家会端出生日蛋糕
They'd bring out the candles.
只有一口气吹灭所有蜡烛
And if you blew them all out
你才能许愿
you could make a wish.
没有全部吹灭 你就会立刻死掉
And if you missed any, you died.
但是后来变成了什么情况都能许愿
But then people just started wishing for anything, huh?
Find an eyelash on their cheek...
在脸上找到一根睫毛
“许个愿吧!”
"Make a wish!"
你知道你脸上有 多少根那样的鬼东西吗?
Know how many of these shits are on your face at any given time?
People started wishing on, like, the time.
人们还会对着时间许愿
“啊!11:11啦!
Right? Be like, "11:11."
"Make a wish!"
许个愿吧!”
这个时间每天都有好吧
That's every day.
地球这边的人甚至一天许两次 因为他们不喜欢用24小时制
Twice a day on this side of the world, 'cause people don't like big numbers.
你不能每天都许愿 那不算特殊场合
You can't wish every day. That's not a special occasion. But people did it.
但人们还是这么做
人们不停地许愿
People were wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing.
到处都有人许愿 连饶舌歌手也这样
Everywhere. Even rappers got involved.
"Oh, I wish a nigga would." Would what? You can't just leave it open-ended.
“哦 我希望黑人可以”
可以什么?怎么说一半不说了?
这就是新冠产生的原因 因为我们的愿望撞在了一起
And that's how we got COVID. All our wishes came together.
这些愿望同时实现了
And they all came true at the same time.
这就是结果
And that's what we got.
新冠就像个混蛋精灵 人们要什么它就给什么
Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie that gave us everything we asked for.
我们都许了愿
We all wished.
有多少人在2020年初
How many people were rubbing that lamp
摩擦过那盏神灯?
at the beginning of 2020?
狂热地许下了愿望
Just wishing away, like
“哦 我希望每天都不用去办公室”
"Oh, I wish I didn't have to go into the office every day."
“你的愿望实现了”
"Your wish is granted."
是啊 你希望不去办公室
Yeah, you wished not to go into the office.
但你忘了许个 不要让家里变成办公室的愿望
You forgot to wish that the office wouldn't come into your house.
所以你被困在了家里
Now you are stuck
每天都要开视频会议
every day, on Zoom
不能眨眼 还得一直跟同事眼神交流
can't blink, gotta make constant eye contact.
是的
"Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
还得在家里找一个可以
Had to find the one corner of your house
让你看起来干净体面的角落
that made it look like you had your shit together.
每个人都许了愿
Everybody wished.
而且我们的愿望都实现了
And, boy, we got what we wished for.
有多少父母摩擦过那盏神灯?
How many parents were rubbing that lamp?
狂热地许下了愿望?
Wishing away?
“哦 我希望和孩子多相处一会”
"Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. Oh!"
"Oh!"
“你的愿望实现了”
"Your wish is granted."
没错
Yeah.
很多父母意识到 自己喜欢孩子的唯一原因
A lot of parents realized the only reason you like your kids
就是你们的相处时间是有限的
is because you only know them part-time.
只需要早上见见面 送他们上学 晚上给他们掖掖被子
You meet them in the morning, send them off, tuck them in at night.
这个工作太轻松了
It's a pretty sweet gig.
但是突然间 所有人都被关在了家里
But the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7.
看到父母们翻脸真是太有趣了
Ooh, it was so fun to watch the parents flip.
还记得一开始所有父母都在说
It was so fun. Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there
“你们不准开学!
like, "You will not open the schools!"
我的孩子哪儿都不去!
"My children are not going anywhere!"
我会不惜一切代价保护我的孩子
"I will protect them at all costs."
我是熊妈妈 我会永远 保护我的幼崽 听懂了吗?
"I'm a mama bear and I'll protect my cubs, you hear me?"
病毒消失之前你们不准开学!”
"You will not open the schools until the virus is gone!"
九个月后⋯
Nine months later...
这些父母又开始大喊大叫
Those same parents were there, screaming on the stoop.
“该死的学校到底什么时候开学?
"When are the goddamn schools opening?"
"You can't expect me to spend all day with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!"
我不能一整天都和这些 孩子呆在一起!我是谁 他妈吗?
他们应该去上学!”
"They should be in school!"
孩子说:“妈咪 可是外面出现了新变种”
Kids are like, "But, Mommy, there's a new variant out there."
“听着 蒂米 总有一天你要接受这个考验
"Listen, Timmy, at some point you're gonna have to see what you're made of, okay?"
你的肺只有撑过去 和撑不过去两种结果 知道吗?
"Either your lungs are gonna make it or they ain't. All right, buddy?"
出去接受考验吧 让我们看看你的真本领
"Now get on out there and see what you're made of."
如果辛巴能做到 那你也行 哈库那 马塔塔
"If Simba could do it, so can you. Hakuna matata."
快去吧 孩子 去吧”
"Go on, buddy. Go on."
我们都许了愿!
We all wished!
有多少情侣许过愿?
How many couples out there were wishing?
一边摩擦神灯
Rubbing away at that lamp.
一边注视着彼此的眼睛
Looking into each other's eyes.
“宝贝
Like, "Damn, girl."
我希望我们可以 整天锁在一个房间里
"I wish I could be locked in a room with you all day."
"Mmm, mmm, mmm!"
我希望有人能把 我们锁起来 然后把钥匙扔掉
"Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up and throw away the key."
我早就想好要对你做什么了”
"The things I would do to you."
“是吗?你要对我做什么?”
"Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?"
“宝贝 我希望每一分 每一秒我们能看到的都只有彼此
"Girl, I wish they would tell us we could only see each other all day."
无时无刻”
"All day."
"Your wish is granted."
“你的愿望实现了”
很多情侣
Lot of couples
learned a lot during the pandemic.
在疫情期间彻底了解了对方
他们在疫情期间彻底了解了对方
Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic.
很多人意识到
Lot of people realized
爱可能是无条件的
that love may be unconditional
但“喜欢”是有时限的
but "like" has a time-limit.
“我真的爱你 宝贝 我只是不确定是不是还喜欢你”
"'Cause I love you, baby. I just don't know if I like you anymore."
一开始都特别有趣 还记得吗? 就像个睡衣派对一样
It all started as so much fun, remember? In the beginning, it was like a sleepover.
“天哪 这太好玩了!”
"Oh my God, this is so much fun!"
然后时间从几周变成了几个月
And then the weeks turned into months.
从几个月又变成了几年
The months turned into years.
甚至有时候 你坐在屋里
And at some point, you'd be sitting in the house
目光呆滞
with a glaze over your eyes
听到另一半
and you'd hear them
在另一个房间里咳嗽
coughing on the other side.
你心里想“太好了
And you'd be like, "Yes."
太好了 上帝啊
"Oh, yes, Jesus."
主啊 把他带走吧
"Take them now, Lord."
如果他命该如此 那就顺其天意吧
"If it's their time, it's their time."
主啊 愿祢的旨意被完成
"Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus."
然后多余的办公空间就是我的了”
"I could use the extra office space."
你知道
You know
关于我们所处的这个世界 我觉得最悲哀的事就是
one of the things that saddens me the most about the world we live in is that
我们经常没有机会 去消化理解一件事的原因
we oftentimes don't have the luxury to process the whys.
我们只是知道事情发生了
We know that things happen.
我们也能感觉到事情正在发生
We feel the things happening to us.
但是很多情况下
But oftentimes
我们没有时间 也不会特意抽出时间去思考
we don't make the time or don't have the time to process
为什么
the why.
为什么我们总是这么生气?
Why were we so angry?
为什么我们总是内斗?
Why did we fight each other so much?
我们对彼此也没有同理心
We had no compassion for each other.
我们都变成了最糟糕的自己
We were the worst of ourselves.
如果你问我这是为什么 这是因为⋯
And you know, if you ask me, it's because...
我们太害怕了
we were scared.
作为人类 我们已经习惯了
As humans, we've become so comfortable
知道
knowing
以至于我们忘了生活本就是不确定的
that we forget how uncertain life is.
每天都有人告诉我们“我们知道”
We get taught every single day that "we know, we know, we know."
我们习惯了知道 所以你觉得你永远都会知道
We get comfortable knowing, so you think you'll always know.
交通会怎么样?你知道
"What's the traffic gonna be like?" You know.
天气会怎么样?你知道
"What's the weather gonna be like?" You know. "Oh, it'll rain on Thursday."
“哦 周四要下雨啊”
你知道这是多大的魔力吗?
Understand what a magic trick that is?
如果500年前 你有这样的技术
If you had that technology 500 years ago
你说周四下雨 其他人一定会⋯
you're like, "It'll rain Thursday," people will be like...
我们早已习以为常 但是这让我们忘了
We take that for granted, but it's also made us forget that
生活本就是不确定的
life is uncertain.
疫情让我们知道了这一点
We don't know. The pandemic showed it.
它向所有人揭露了这一点
It exposed every one of us.
我觉得我们需要抽出时间 思考的一件事就是为什么
And I think the thing we need to take a moment to think about is the why.
为什么我们这么生气?这么沮丧?
Why were we so angry? Why were we so frustrated?
不是因为不能看电影
It wasn't because of movies
也不是因为不能出门聚会
it wasn't because we couldn't go out to parties
不能去逛街 不是因为这些东西
it wasn't because we couldn't go to the mall, any of that shit.
是因为我们失去了彼此
It's because we lost each other.
我失去了你 你失去了我
I lost you. You lost me.
We lost this.
我们失去了这些
你明白吗?
You know?
这才是人们觉得沮丧的真正原因
That's the real thing people were frustrated about.
而且更糟的是 政府让我们以为他们知道
And what made it worse was governments made it seem like they knew.
正是这件事让事情变得更糟
I think that's the thing that made it worse.
他们太自信了
They were so confident
他们让我们以为他们知道
they made it seem like they knew.
他们说只会持续21天
They said it would be 21 days.
Twenty-one days. I will never forget that number.
21天 我永远都不会忘记这个数字
因为我们没有问为什么
'Cause we didn't ask why.
不是吗?
Right?
我们听说中国一夜之间 建起了可以容纳一万人的医院
We heard of China building a 10,000-person hospital overnight.
没有人问过为什么
None of us asked, "Why?"
We were just like, "Ah, China."
我们只是觉得 中国就那样
他们喜欢瞎建东西
"They love building shit."
我也记得各国领袖是多么的自信
I remember how confident world leaders were as well.
有些人甚至特别自大
Some more cocky than others.
我最喜欢的一个领导人
One of my favorites was
就是英国首相鲍里斯约翰逊
Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson.
没错
Yeah.
他真的很有意思
He was an interesting one.
He went to a hospital
他在疫情期间
去了一家医院
during the pandemic
和在场的人拥抱
and he was hugging people.
他一进医院就开始和别人拥抱
Like, right at the beginning, he was hugging people.
记者们问他:“约翰逊首相
Journalists asked him, "Prime Minister Johnson
你觉得疫情期间 和别人拥抱合适吗?”
do you think it's appropriate to be hugging people during..."
他说:“首先 大家冷静一下 这不是大流行病
He's like, "First of all, everyone needs to calm down. This is not a pandemic."
看我的头发 看起来像有压力吗?你们需要冷静
"Look at my hair. Do I look stressed? Everybody needs to calm down."
不需要慌张 我可以触摸别人
"Nothing... Everything is fine. I can touch people."
我们不会封城 一切仍是开放状态
"We're not shutting down. Everything stays open."
酒吧不会关门 球赛仍将继续
"The pubs will stay open, the football stays open."
不好意思 我得走了⋯”
"Excuse me, I have to go..."
He was just gone. He didn't give a shit. You know?
然后他就走了 什么都不在乎
America's president, oh, he was even cockier.
美国总统更加自大
Yeah. You see him when he came out? Donald J. Trump?
你们见过特朗普的出场方式吗?
牛逼得不得了
Oh, he had all the swag.
“朋友们 我们会处理好的
He was like, "Folks, we're gonna have it handled."
就在21天后
"In 21 days, 21 days."
"The virus will be gone, 21 days."
21天后病毒就会消失
有些人甚至说20天就行”
"Some are even saying 20."
That disease came and kicked Trump and Boris deep in the chest.
结果新冠狠狠地 打了特朗普和约翰逊的脸
他俩都进了ICU 差点就死了 他们能活下来的唯一原因就是
Both men went to the ICU, almost died. Only reason they survived
他们是国家元首 可以喝到绝密神药
is because they're both heads of state. They gave them that secret juice.
鲍里斯出院的时候 一脸见过上帝的表情
Boris, to his credit, he came out of that hospital like he had seen Jesus.
He came from the hospital, held a press conference
他出院之后立刻开了新闻发布会
宣布立即封城
shut everything down.
衣衫不整地说: “各位 这不是开玩笑
He came there, barely dressed, like, "Everybody, this is not a joke."
我见识过了 整个英国必须马上封闭
"I've seen it for myself. The UK's shutting down."
球赛立刻停止 酒吧马上关门
"Please, football's gone. The pubs are gone."
绝不能轻视病毒 我已经经历过了
"Do not take this lightly. I've experienced it myself."
真不是开玩笑 我不能透露太多 我得走了
"I promise, this is not fun. I can't talk, I have to go."
真不能说 我得⋯”
"Please, I can't talk. I have to..." And he was just gone.
然后他就跑了
跑了!吓得魂都丢了
Gone! That man was terrified.
我还以为新冠病毒 会从拐角跑出来追他呢
I was half-expecting coronavirus to come around the corner.
Like...
但是特朗普还是不当回事
Trump, on the other hand, didn't give a damn.
那个人要死一定是犟死的
That man will die from being stubborn.
他出院的时候
He came out of the hospital
几乎无法呼吸了 但是还是开了新闻发布会
could barely breathe, but still held a press conference.
都没怎么说话 光是⋯
Didn't even speak. Was just like...
“如果我能做到
"If I can do it..."
"...so can you."
那你也行”
真是笑死了
Ah, man.
我真的不明白为什么有人给他投票
I honestly don't get how anybody voted for that man.
I really don't get it.
我真的搞不懂
而且说实话
And by the way
我说的不是政治方面
I don't mean politically.
我理解人们会投给 他们认同的政治观点
All right? I understand.
People will vote for the politics they wanna vote for. I get that.
我不理解的是为什么有人投他
What I don't understand is why people voted for him.
更疯狂的是有些人投给他之后
What was even crazier was that some people voted for him
竟然会对他的真面目失望
and then were disappointed by who he was.
That was the craziest thing I've ever seen.
那是我见过的最疯狂的事
他们说:“真不敢相信他会这么做
People were like
简直难以置信”
"I can't believe what he's doing."
“不好意思 你不敢相信什么?”
"I'm sorry, you can't believe what's happening?"
“特朗普 你敢信吗?”
"Donald Trump. Can you believe this?"
“他一辈子都在做 这样的事 你说我敢信吗?”
"Can I believe he's doing the same thing he's been doing his whole life?"
“是的 我不敢相信 这太惊人了”
"Yeah, I can't believe this. This is shock--"
“你觉得吃惊?”
"You're shocked?"
特朗普是我见过的 最不让人吃惊的人类
Donald Trump is the least shocking human being I've ever come across in my life.
他从始至终都在做自己
He is consistently being himself.
他就是最老套的反派
The man is a clichéd villain.
长得像反派 说话也像反派
Looks like a villain, talks like a villain.
He looks like he should be in a Scooby-Doo episode.
他长得就像《史酷比救救我》的反派
With that face, with that vibe?
那个长相 那个感觉
你都能想象主角 审犯人的时候 他站在嫌犯中间
You could see him in the lineup when they're trying to solve the crime.
“你觉得谁是凶手 史酷比?”
"Who do you think it is, Scoob?" Be like
“哦 我可以跟你说 绝对不是我”
"Oh, it wasn't me, I'll tell you that much."
“我什么都没干 我是清白的”
"I didn't do anything. I'm innocent."
然后特朗普说: “我是清白的 绝对清白
"I'm innocent. So innocent."
"Some say, the most innocent man who's ever lived."
甚至有些人说 我是全世界最清白的人”
“我觉得凶手是他”
Be like, "Yeah, I think it's that guy."
我真的不明白
I just don't get it.
为什么要投给⋯我的意思是
Why would you vote...? I mean, actually...
我明白 但我不理解
I get it, but I don't understand.
我想了很久 终于发现
'Cause what I get and I've realized is
在美国这个国家
in the United States of America
如果你想赢得大选 你只需要有个奇怪的声音
if you want to win an election, all you need to have is a strange voice.
Simple as that. Wanna be president of the United States?
就这么简单 你想成为美国总统?
弄一个奇怪的声音 你就赢了
Get a strange voice, you're done.
什么政策什么理念 全都不重要
Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas. That's boring.
你一出声“这是我的⋯”
You come out there, "Here are my--"
"Boo!"
"Normal-sounding-ass bitch."
“声音正常的混蛋”
No.
不行
如果你的声音很奇怪 选民一定喜欢
You come out there with a strange voice, the people love it.
你会发现 没有一个 美国总统的声音是正常的 没有
You realize there's been no American president
who has a normal speaking voice. None.
You can go back as far as you want. None of them spoke normal. None.
你尽管找 没有一个人声音是正常的
比如说⋯肯尼迪好了
Go back as far as... Like, JFK.
JFK. He didn't speak normal.
他的声音就很奇怪
他的声音有个特点 “不要问你的国家能为你做什么
He had that thing. "Ask not what your country can do for you
而是要问你能为国家做什⋯”
but ask what you can do for your..." That's not normal.
这太不正常了
Don't care what anybody says. That's not normal.
我不管你怎么说 那就是不正常
You're telling me that man was standing in a McDonald's
你告诉我 有人在麦当劳里
用那种声音点餐吗?
ordering food with that voice?
“我要个一号汉堡 五分熟 加薯条
Like, "Could I please get a number one, medium, with fries."
我还要一个麦旋风 谢谢
"And I'll also have a McFlurry, please."
你说冰淇淋机坏了是什么意思?”
"What do you mean the ice cream machine is broken?"
That's not normal.
这声音太不正常了
没有一个 美国总统的声音是正常的 没有
No American presidents speak normal. None.
克林顿的声音也不正常
Bill Clinton. He didn't speak normal.
他的声音听起来 总觉得他想色诱观众一样
He always did that thing where it sounded like he was trying to seduce the audience.
你懂吗?就是
You know? Like...
“我没有和那个女人
"I did not have sexual relations..."
"...with that woman."
发生性关系”
你在干嘛?
What are you doing?
没有一个 美国总统的声音是正常的 没有
No American president spoke normal. None of them.
布什的声音也不正常
George Bush, he didn't speak normal.
总有种拿腔拿调的感觉
Always did that weird chuckly thing.
“我一定会找出罪魁祸首
"Gonna find the people that did this
and then bomb a totally different country."
然后再找个国家炸一下
"Fool me once..."
耍我一次⋯”
That's not normal.
那绝对不正常
没有一个 美国总统的声音是正常的 没有
No American president spoke normal. None.
奥巴马的声音也不正常
Barack Obama, he didn't speak normal.
听起来就像有东西在缓冲一样
Always did that thing where it sounded like his voice was buffering.
"Uh..."
"Uh... as Americans
“作为美国人
uh, we gotta try to get, uh... faster internet."
我们要努力争取
更快的网络”
That's not normal.
这真的不正常
拜登的声音也不正常
Joe Biden, he doesn't speak normal.
真是那样
You kidding me?
他每次讲到最后声音都咕咕哝哝的
He just fades into mumbles every time he gives a speech.
Not normal. He'll be up there, like
反正不正常 他演讲是这样的
“所以我们要理解的最重要的事⋯
"That's why the most important thing to understand..."
"...the dreams of the finest negroes. Come on, man."
优秀黑鬼的梦想 拜托
"Come on. Please."
拜托 拜托啦
我说真的
"I mean it."
拜托啦”
"Come on."
这声音真的不正常
That's not normal.
特朗普的声音是最奇怪的
Trump, that was the weirdest of all.
其他总统的语调起码可以预测
Every other American president was predictable.
你知道他们声音的起伏
You understood the ebb and flow.
但是特朗普的语调完全无法预测
Trump, you never knew what to expect.
All right? The volume on his voice, all over the place.
他说话的音量总是忽大忽小
音调更不合理
Inflection where it didn't make sense.
你知道听他演讲的时候
Do you know how hard it was to figure out where to put the volume
调节电视的音量有多难吗?
on your TV when watching his speech?
我每次都跟DJ一样 上上下下按个不停
I had to sit there and ride it like a shitty DJ the whole time.
因为你不知道他的语调会怎么变化
As he would speak. Because you wouldn't know when it'd happen.
“我认为 作为美国人
He'd be up there, "I think, as Americans
我们应该去尝试 大试 特试
we try and try, so try, big trying."
全都试
"All trying."
我知道这个 真的知道
"I know this. I do."
但是我知道 而且我觉得
"But I know and I think
如果我们行 那就是行
if we can, we can,
但是我们不会 但是我们会 但是可能 但是⋯”
but we won't, but we will, but maybe. But..."
What?
什么东西呀?
It's not normal.
那太不正常了
所以每次来加拿大 看你们的新闻 我都会笑
That's why I laugh whenever I come to Canada and watch your news.
Every time I come to Canada, I turn on the news, and they'll be like
每次来加拿大 打开新闻 报道的都是
“加拿大的丑闻出现了
"There's a Canadian scandal happening."
特鲁多再次陷入丑闻”
"Justin Trudeau in another scandal."
他的丑闻简直太可爱了 不是吗?
He has the most adorable scandals. You kidding me?
跟美国总统比 啥都不是 新闻总说特鲁多丑闻缠身
Compared to American presidents? What? They're like, "He's scandalous."
他被定罪了吗?没有的话就闭上嘴
"Has he been convicted of anything? Then shut the hell up."
新闻总说他丑闻缠身
Be like, "He's scandalous."
还说他的丑闻骇人⋯ “他曾在一个富人家里留宿”
He's got the terrible... "He slept at a rich man's house."
Ah, that's adorable.
真是太可爱了
My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau's, by far
目前为止 我最喜欢的特鲁多丑闻
是他去印度拜访的那次
is the one where he went on a trip to India.
And then became Indian.
最后他变成了印度人
这可以算是有史 以来最棒的丑闻之一了
That has to be one of the greatest scandals of all time.
我还记得整个流程
I remember when it broke.
他从加拿大出发的时候穿的还是西装
He took off. He was wearing a suit. He left Canada.
站在飞机上向大家告别“各位再见”
Waving on the plane. "Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye."
坐上飞机 飞到印度 着陆
Got on, flew to India, landed.
舱门打开 一出来突然就成了半个印度人
Doors opened, and he came out, and he was already half-Indian.
Had the jacket on.
穿着印度的传统上衣
但是更好笑的是
But what was crazy
随着印度之旅的推进 他变得越来越像印度人
was that as the trip progressed, he became more and more Indian
每天都变得更像
each day.
显然没人告诉他 加拿大正在报什么新闻
Clearly, no one's telling him what's happening on the news in Canada
因为加拿大人快气疯了
because Canadians were losing it.
“这太失礼了!他怎么能这样?”
Like, "This is disrespectful! How can you do this, eh?"
但是他还在变得越来越像印度人
And he was out there becoming more and more Indian.
It started with the top, and then he went down to the pants.
最开始是上衣 然后是裤子
然后又穿了整套服装 戴了头饰
He had the full outfit. Then he had the headdress.
我最喜欢的一张照片 是他和印度政要一起开会
My favorite was when he walked into a meeting with Indian dignitaries
印度政要全都穿着西装
and they were all wearing suits.
This man walked into that meeting
而特鲁多穿得就像
要去为《巴特班》试镜一样
looking like he was about to audition for Baat Ban.
我当时想:“你在搞什么?”
You were like, "What the hell is this?"
He was getting so Indian that I was hoping a moment would come
他变得太像印度人了 我开始想
他会不会在演讲中途人设突变
where he'd be in the middle of a speech
我当时希望他能讲着讲着突然
and I was just hoping suddenly he'd be like...
“我想说 我为两国合作
"Can I just say how proud I am
取得的成就感到骄傲
of the work we've done together?"
"As Canadians and as Indians..."
作为加拿大人 作为印度人
我们⋯”
♪ ...we... ♪
I was hoping that would happen.
我当时特希望会变成这样
我一直在默默期待
I was waiting for it.
有史以来最大的丑闻
"The biggest scandal of all time."
“他变成了印度人”
"He became Indian."
我觉得这事没有那么糟
I don't think it was that bad.
我只是觉得他用力过猛了 说实话
I just think he tries too hard, to be honest.
我觉得特鲁多总是用力过猛
You know, I think Justin Trudeau tries too hard.
总想表现得有同情心 结果总是用力过猛 你懂吗?
Tries too hard to show he's compassionate. Tries too hard, you know?
我不觉得这很糟 我知道这不客观
I don't think it's that bad. And look, I'm biased.
我承认我有点主观了
I know I'm biased. I am.
因为我⋯“特鲁多式”用力过猛
Because I... I too have Trudeau'd.
I'll... Yeah.
我⋯好吧
我现在就坦白
I'll confess it here tonight.
我也犯过“特鲁多式”错误 加拿大
I too have Trudeau'd, Canada.
I too have tried too hard to connect with a group of people, and...
我曾想和别人拉近关系 结果用力过猛 然后⋯
结果并不好
it did not go well.
My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland.
我的故事发生在苏格兰爱丁堡
Beautiful place. If you've never been, go. Stunning.
很美的地方 如果你没去过 一定要去看看
那里的一切都很美
Everything.
到处都蕴含着悠久的历史
The place is full of history.
那里的人也很友善 温暖
The people are lovely and warm.
天气很冷 但人很暖
The place isn't, but the people are.
Everything is old. They love telling you that.
他们总喜欢告诉你 所有东西都很古老
你去爱丁堡的任何地方 他们都会问
Everywhere you'll go in Edinburgh, people will be like
“你觉得那座桥有多少年了?”
"How old d'ya think that bridge is?"
我说我不知道 他们说:“三百年了”
Like, "I don't know." They're like, "Three hundred years old."
我说:“哦 好吧” 他们又说:“那个教堂 五百年了”
Like, "Oh, okay." They be like, "That church, 500 years old."
“这是我儿子 八百年了”
"Meet my son, 800 years old."
-“他看起来像六岁” -“靠的都是苏格兰工艺”
"He looks six." "Aye. Scottish workmanship."
But they're a wonderful people. It was really great out there.
但他们人真的很好 那里真的很棒
我们去那里参加喜剧节
We were there for a comedy festival, okay?
然后⋯
And...
不管我去哪儿旅行
what I do whenever I'm traveling is
只要我的朋友也在那里
if I get to be in the same place as my friends
我们就会约出来一起玩
we try and spend as much time together.
我们通常会一起吃饭 或者出去玩 然后每次都会
And what we'll do is we'll order food or we'll go out, and when we do that
选一个人出来为大家点菜
we allow one person to designate the meal.
其他人只能接受 而且点菜的人是轮流的
Nobody negotiates. Everybody gets to pick a day.
每次轮到我的时候
And so, whenever my day comes around
我总是会选印度菜
consistently I pick Indian food.
我认为这是全世界最棒的美食
All right? Yeah, I think it's the best cuisine in the world.
没有什么能相提并论
Nothing comes close.
你要是不同意 那我们可以去停车场打一架
You don't agree with me, let's meet in the parking lot and we can fight.
I love Indian food. Loved it my whole life.
我从小就喜欢印度菜
We're in Edinburgh. I'm with friends. "Where are we going?"
当时我和朋友 在爱丁堡 正在想去哪儿吃饭
"Trevor, what do you say?" I'm like, "Indian food." "Every time!"
他们问我 我说印度菜
-“每次都这样!” -“那当然”
"Yes, every time, Indian food."
“每次都是印度菜” “那你还问什么?”
"It's always the same." "Then why keep asking?"
“你明明知道 不要再问了”
"If you know, you know. Stop asking me."
然后我开始找餐厅
And I searched for where we were gonna go.
我总是想找到 当地最正宗的印度餐厅
I always try and find the most authentic Indian restaurant I can find.
那种原汁原味的印度餐厅
I mean, like, authentic Indian restaurants.
你们懂吗?我通常会 去一个地方 然后向周围的人打听
You know? What I'll do is I'll go to a place, and then I'll ask around.
“你都去哪个餐厅?”
I'll ask people, like, "Where do you go?"
白人说的餐厅 我绝对不会去
Then like, where the white people tell me, I don't go there.
然后我找到了正宗的印度餐厅
So I found this authentic spot.
而且它非常⋯我特别高兴
And it was... I was so happy.
我坚持这么做是有原因的
Now, the reason it had to be so authentic
这跟我的经历有很大关系
just so you understand a little bit of me...
你们可能知道我在南非长大 对吧?
I grew up in South Africa, as you know. Right?
但很多人不知道的是
Now, what a lot of people may not know is that South Africa
除了印度 南非有着全世界最多的印度人口
has one of the largest Indian populations outside of India.
它是印度以外最大的印度人聚居地
All right? One of the largest Indian populations outside of India.
我知道现在加拿大是最大的
I know Canada's number one now.
But when I was growing up
但在我小时候
除了印度以外 南非有着全世界最多的印度人口
we had the single largest population of Indians outside of India.
如果印度炸了
Yeah. So if India blew up...
We were India.
我们就是印度
It was that close.
就是多到这种地步
所以我很幸运 是在印度文化的环绕下长大的
And so I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by Indian culture.
我小时候最好的朋友
In fact, one of my best friends growing up
就是一个叫锡森裴雷的印度男孩
was a little Indian boy by the name of Theesan Pillay.
我们俩玩得特别好
And we were thick as thieves.
你们可能无法理解 但我们每天都形影不离
I don't think you understand. Every day, we hung out together.
每天的休息时间都在一起
We spent our recesses together.
我们会一起玩 一起吃东西 干什么都在一起
We're hanging out, eating, everything together.
因为我们有很多的共同点
Because we had so many things in common.
学年一开始 我们俩就认识了
We met at the beginning of the school year
而且我们之间的共同点特别多
and we had so many things in common.
比如他喜欢跑步 我也喜欢跑步
Like, he liked running. I liked running.
所以⋯
So...
Theesan and I would spend every day together.
我和锡森每天都在一起
而且我俩的仪式 特别简单 我们先去上课
And our ritual was simple. We'd go to all the classes we did
然后在午休时间碰面
and then we'd meet at what we called break time.
坐在一起吃午餐
At break time, we'd sit and eat lunch together.
我们俩的午餐特别不一样
Now, our lunches were very different. All right?
锡森每天都会带妈妈做的午餐
Because Theesan would get a packed lunch from his mom every single day.
而我是从妈妈那里拿钱
I would get money from my mom to buy food
在学校的小卖部买东西吃
from the school tuck shop. Right?
也可以叫食堂
Cafeteria. Right?
所以我每天都是买饭吃
So I'd go and buy the food every day.
因为我妈妈不会做饭
'Cause my mom couldn't cook, right?
她做过一次 吃完我说:“你别再做了
Well, she tried once, and I was like, "Don't do this ever again."
"This is child abuse."
这是虐待儿童 你给我钱就行了”
"Just give me the money."
我每天都是买东西吃
So, I would buy the food every day.
而锡森每天吃的都是他妈妈做的饭
Theesan, on the other hand, had food that his mom made every day.
他的午餐每天都是咖喱
And every day, the meal was curry.
我之所以知道
I know this
因为我们每天都坐在一起
because every day, we'd sit down together
锡森会打开他的小饭盒
Theesan would open his little lunchbox
拿出一小罐果汁
he'd take out his little can of juice
打开三角形的三明治包装纸
he'd unwrap his sandwich with little triangles cut out.
把三明治拿出来
And then he'd pull it out
掀开面包
he'd open the bread
往里面看一眼 然后仰天大喊
look inside, and then he'd scream at the top of his lungs.
而且每次喊的都是“咖喱!”
He'd be like, "Curry!"
"Damn it, Mommy."
“可恶 妈咪”
每天都是这样
Every day.
每天我俩坐在一起 我吃我的 他吃他的
Every day, we'd sit down, I'd have my food, he'd have his.
他每天都是拿出果汁 打开三明治 往里看一眼
He'd take the juice out of the box, unwrap the sandwich, look in between
仰天大喊:“咖喱!”
and be like, "Curry!"
“可恶 妈咪”
"Damn it, Mommy."
每天都是这样
Every single day.
雷打不动
Without fail.
每天都是咖喱 羊肉咖喱
Every day. Mutton curry.
羊羔肉咖喱
Lamb curry.
土豆咖喱 只有你想不到 没有她做不了
Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine.
虽然配料不同 但每天都是咖喱
But it was curry every single day.
“咖喱!” 这是一天中我最爱的时刻
"Curry!" It was my favorite part of the day.
Some days, I wouldn't even open my lunch for fear of missing the moment.
有时候我都不急着开饭 就是为了等这个精彩时刻
我就坐在他旁边 眼巴巴地等着
I would just sit there next to him, waiting.
每次都是打开 看一眼 大喊“咖喱!”
And he'd open it up and be like, "Curry!"
我还会在旁边对口型“可恶 妈咪”
And I'd mouth it next to him. "Damn it, Mommy."
Every day for months and months and months and months, this happened.
同样的情形重复了一天又一天
然后终于有一天
And then finally
终于有一天
finally
at the risk of breaking it all
冒着打破惯例的风险
我说出了自己的想法 锡森还是在大喊:“咖喱!”
I turn to Theesan one day, he screams, like, "Curry!"
“可恶 妈咪”
"Damn it, Mommy."
我对他说:“锡森”
And I was like, "Theesan."
“你明明知道每天都是咖喱”
"You know it's gonna be curry every day."
He said, "What?"
他说:“什么?”
I said, "It's gonna be curry every single day."
我说:“你明明知道每天都是咖喱
“每天你都会打开面包
"Every day, you open the bread
每天你都特别吃惊 然后大喊‘咖喱!可恶 妈咪’
and then, every day, you're shocked and you're like, 'Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'"
可是每天都会是咖喱呀”
"But it's always gonna be curry."
他说:“我知道 特雷弗 我知道
And he said, "I know, Trevor. I know."
我不是吃惊 我只是失望
"I'm not shocked. I'm just disappointed."
"Right? Because every single day, right, I come to school
你懂吗?因为我每天到学校来
上课的时候 满脑子都是‘我想吃午餐’
and then every day, I'm like, 'I wanna eat lunch.'"
但是每次打开饭盒 我都知道里面是什么
"And every day, I open the box and I know what it's gonna be
因为昨天晚上吃的就是咖喱
because last night, we had the curry."
我妈妈每次都会把昨晚吃的咖喱
"Then what my mom does is she takes last night's curry
塞到三明治里 给我当午餐
then she put it in a sandwich for me
也就是我今天要吃的咖喱
and then that's the curry I'm gonna have today."
我还知道今天的晚饭
"Then I know when I go home tonight
也会是咖喱 剩下的就成了明天的午餐
I'm gonna eat the curry I know is coming the next day."
所以我每天吃的都是咖喱
"So every single day, I'm getting curry."
现在吃咖喱 晚上还会吃更多的咖喱
"It's curry and then there's gonna be more curry."
特雷弗 我知道 我是印度人 但我真的受不了了
"Trevor, I know I'm Indian, but it's too much, man."
"I just want something different, you know?"
我只是想吃点别的东西 你懂吗?
人们总说变化才是 生活的调味品 而不单单是咖喱”
"They say variety's the spice of life, not just curry."
我说:“可是 这真的很糟吗?”
I was like, "Ah, but, Theesan, is it... Like, is it bad?"
He said, "I don't even know anymore."
“我已经分辨不了了
"I lost perspectives."
我失去判断能力了
这给你吃吧”
"Here, you can have it."
于是他把他的咖喱三明治给了我
And he gave me his curry sandwich.
我咬了一口
I bit it.
多伦多 人生中总有一些时刻
And, Toronto, there are moments in your life...
...that'll forever shape who you are.
会永远改变你这个人
Moments that will define who you grow on to be.
这些时刻会塑造未来的你
这就是那些时刻之一
This was one of those moments.
我把三明治放进嘴里
I put that sandwich in my mouth
咬了一口 我的嘴好像活了过来
I bit down, and my mouth came alive.
我的舌头终于发现了它的使命
My tongue discovered its purpose.
我从未想过土豆会有这样的口感
I didn't know potatoes could pop like that.
咖喱的滋味在口腔中不断碰撞
The flavors were bouncing around.
我睁大了眼睛
My eyes opened wide.
我只觉得“哇哦!” 然后仰天大喊:“咖喱!”
It was... I was like, "Wow!" I was like, "Curry!"
"Thank you, Mommy."
“谢谢你 妈咪”
And I said, "Theesan, this is amazing. You eat this every day?"
我说:“ 这太好吃了 你每天吃的都是这个吗?”
他说:“每天都是”
And he's like, "Every damn day."
And I was like, "Okay, let's swap."
我说:“好吧 那我们来交换
从今以后 我把我的钱给你
"I'll give you my money for tuck shop
你把你的咖喱给我”
and then you give me your curry food, every day."
于是我们做了个交易
And we did that. We traded.
你们可能以为我们是最好的朋友
Let me tell you something. You thought we were best friends before
从那以后 我们成了灵魂伴侣
we turned into soulmates.
Yeah, because we both got everything we dreamed of.
因为我们都得到了 自己梦寐以求的东西
从那以后 我每天都吃到了美味的家常菜
All right? I got to have a home-cooked meal every single day.
而作为印度人的锡森开始了 自己的生意 开心得不得了
And as an Indian person, he got to start a business. Theesan was in heaven.
It was perfect.
简直完美
And since then, I've loved curry.
从那之后 我就爱上了咖喱
好了 快进到 很多年后的苏格兰爱丁堡
So, fast-forward many decades. Edinburgh, Scotland.
我和朋友在外面吃饭
Going out with my friends.
我选了一个印度餐馆
We're choosing a spot. I choose Indian.
原汁原味的印度菜 那个地方特别正宗
Authentic Indian. We get to the place, and it's legit.
特别地道 餐馆里面放着印度音乐
Like, it is legit. We walk in and there's Indian music playing.
客人是印度人 厨师是印度人
There are Indian people eating. Indian cooks in the back.
服务员也是印度人 墙上还挂着印度服装
Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall.
我心想“就是这里 我回家了”
I'm like, "This is it. I'm home."
We walked in, sat down.
我们进去后 找了个位置
刚一坐下 我的朋友史蒂夫
And as soon as we sat, one of my friends, Steve
就把手伸向了菜单 我说:“史蒂夫
launches for the menu. And I was like, "Steve, Steve."
不着急 我来为大家点菜”
"It's cool. I'll just order for everyone at the table."
他说:“没关系 特雷弗 我自己点就行 谢谢”
And he's like, "Oh, that's fine, Trevor. I'll order for myself, thank you."
我说:“不是这个原因 史蒂夫
I was like, "No, it's not about that, Steve."
我只是想帮大家点菜 可以吗?
"I just prefer to order for all of us, yeah?"
"All right? You good?"
好吗?你能接受吗?”
他说:“我觉得没这个必要 我⋯
He's like, "Uh, I don't know why that's necessary. I..."
我想自己点 可以吗?”
"I think I'll just order for myself. Is that okay?"
我说:“不行 不可以 史蒂夫
I was like, "It's not, no. It's not okay, Steve."
"It's not okay. All right?"
我不接受 可以吗?
因为你很可能会 在我的印度族人面前
"Because you're probably gonna say some shit that's gonna embarrass me
说些让我尴尬的话 懂吗?”
in front of my Indian people. All right?"
所以我希望你不要插手”
"So I just need you to back off for a moment."
他说:“抱歉 我会在你的印度族人面前
He's like, "I'm sorry. What would I say that could embarrass you
说些什么让你尴尬的话?”
in front of Indian people?"
我说:“我不知道 但我不希望发生这样的事
I was like, "I don't know, and I don't want it to happen."
点菜的事就交给我 好吗?”
"Just let me handle this, okay?"
他说:“交给你?
He's like, "Let you handle this?"
特雷弗 我吃咖喱已经吃了好多年了”
"Trevor, I'll have you know that I've eaten curry for many, many years."
我说:“史蒂夫 别跟我吵好吗?现在不是时候”
I'm like, "Steve, not the time. Just let's not argue, okay? Not the time."
他说:“什么意思? 我怎么会让你尴尬呢?”
He's like, "What do you mean? Why would I embarrass you? Why?"
我说:“你不需要 知道原因 没必要因此吵架”
I was like, "You don't need to know why. Let's just not."
“为什么?因为我是白人?”
"No, why? Because I'm white?"
我说:“这是你说的 我可没说”
I was like, "You brought it up, not me. All right?"
"I wasn't gonna bring up race, but you did."
“我不想提 种族这回事 但你非要说
既然你提出来了 那我们就好好说一说”
"You brought it up. Let's talk about it."
每次我带白人朋友去这样的正宗餐馆
Every time I take my white friends to an ethnic restaurant
他们总会说些让我尴尬的话
they always say some shit that embarrasses me.
每次都是这样 每次
Every single time. Every time.
他们要么不知道怎么念食物的名字
Either they don't know how to pronounce the food
要么就会说些无聊的废话
or they'll say some random shit.
“我可以点那个吗?那个脆饼?
Like, "Can I get that one? The papadums?"
这个东西你们叫什么?
"What do you call these ones?"
我能点这个吗 不加香料?”
"Can I get this one, but not spicy?"
“你去死吧!”
"Kill yourself!"
"Can I get the curry, but not spicy?" "Kill yourself!"
-“我要点咖喱 不加香料?” -“你去死吧!”
How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy?
怎么会有人点不加香料的咖喱?
咖喱的重点就是香料
That's the whole point of curry.
还想点不加香料的咖喱
You want curry without the spice.
你去寿司店会要求把鱼煮熟吗?
What, do you go to a sushi restaurant and ask for the fish slightly boiled?
“不加香料”
"Don't want the spice."
你的祖先为了 香料在全世界都杀过人!
"Your forefathers went around the world killing people for this spice!"
现在你又不想要了?
"Now you don't want it?"
“闭嘴好好吃你的香料吧 史蒂夫”
"Shut up and eat the spice, Steve."
他说:“特雷弗 我不知道你这股怒气是从哪来的
And he's like, "Trevor, I really don't understand where this is coming from."
好吗?我不会 让你尴尬的 我懂咖喱”
"All right? I'm not gonna embarrass you. I understand curry."
我说:“争论 到此为止 这件事交给我
I was like, "Let's just leave it at that. I've got you."
因为我比你更懂印度菜”
"I understand this way more than you."
他说:“不好意思 你又没有比我更像印度人”
He's like, "I'm sorry, you're not more Indian than me."
“抱歉 你说什么?”
Like, "I'm sorry, what?"
“我说 你又没有比我更像印度人”
Like, "Yeah, you are not more Indian than me."
我当时就⋯
I was like, "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai."
-“你说的是啥?” -“就是这个意思”
"What the hell is that?" "Exactly."
"Don't tell me I'm not more Indian than you."
“说什么你不比我更像印度人
等会服务员进来 你闭嘴⋯”
"You shut up. When the waiter comes in..." He's like, "I'm not gonna shut up."
他说:“我就不闭嘴”
-“你闭嘴!” -“好吧 那你点吧”
Like, "You shut up!" Like, "Okay, fine. Order, then."
服务员走了过来
The waiter walks over
一个美丽的印度男子 穿着美丽的印度服饰
this beautiful Indian man, got his beautiful Indian garb
走上前来
and he steps up.
我了解史蒂夫 我知道他一定会质疑我
And I know Steve. I can see him questioning my authority
我用余光看到了他的表情
out of the corner of my eye.
那一刻我“特鲁多式”用力过猛了
And that's when I Trudeau'd.
I was just a little too hyped.
我可能是太兴奋了
我想向他证明 这是我的族人
I wanted to show him that these were my people.
所以服务员一过来 我都没等他开口
As the waiter got there, I didn't let him speak.
直接就开始点菜“晚上好
I just jumped up and was like... "Good evening."
"I'm going to be ordering for the entire table, please."
我负责为大家点菜
首先 我们想点三个蒜香卷馕
"Could we please have three garlic roll naans?"
然后再来三张印度飞饼
"We're going to have, uh, three rumali rotis."
一份沙希奶酪 一份菠菜奶酪
"Give us one shahi paneer, one palak paneer."
"You know what? We're going to have a rogan josh. Lamb, of course."
对了 我们还想点 一份羊肉咖喱 当然是羊羔肉
"Could we also please have one butter chicken for my Caucasian friends?"
能给我的白人 朋友来一份奶油鸡吗?
"And then we're going to have three samosas
然后再来三个咖喱角
最后 饮料就来三杯芒果拉西吧
and three mango lassis to wash it all down."
谢谢”
"Thank you very much."
I crushed it.
我太牛了
I could feel it.
我自己都感觉到了
其他人肯定也感觉到了
Everyone could feel it.
反正他们肯定有感觉
They could feel something.
因为所有人都安静了
'Cause the table went dead.
而服务员却一直盯着我
The waiter just stared at me.
一开始我以为他被我惊艳了 后来我才意识到他根本没听懂
At first I thought he was impressed. Then I realized he was confused.
这个印度人朝我靠了过来
And this Indian man leans in
死死地盯着我说
looks me dead in the eye, and he's like...
"Sorry, sir, could you repeat what you said?"
“不好意思 先生 您能重复一遍吗?”
“我没听懂您说的 您好像有点口音”
"I canna hear what you were saying. You got a bit of an accent."
And I was like, "Oh, shit!"
我当时想:“完了!
"He's Scottish!"
他是苏格兰人!”
我知道他是苏格兰人 因为我们就在苏格兰
I mean, I know he's Scot... We're in Scotland.
可是他是印度人啊!我没想到会这样
Scottish... But, like, he's Indian! I didn't expect that, right?
而且这个餐馆 太印度了 里面都是印度人
Because the whole place is Indian. Indian restaurant, people were Indian.
墙上还挂着印度服饰 服务员也是印度人
Indian garbs on the wall. The guy was Indian.
还留着印度风格的胡子 结果一张嘴是苏格兰口音
His beard was Indian. But his mouth was Shrek.
我没想到会这样
I didn't expect that.
而且他还没听懂我的话
And now he didn't understand me.
因为我像特鲁多一样用力过猛了
'Cause I Trudeau'd too much.
我没必要这样用力过猛
I didn't need to try so hard.
后来我又意识到
But then I realized
我必须装下去
I also couldn't stop.
'Cause that would be racist.
不然就是种族歧视
当时的情景就是
So now
一个苏格兰印度人一直盯着我
I've got this Scottish-Indian man looking at me.
其他人全都鸦雀无声
Everyone's quiet, and he's like
“您不介意的话 能不能再点一次?最好说慢一点
"If you don't mind, laddie, could you order again, a little slower this time?"
我刚才真没听懂”
"I didna hear what ya said."
“你想让我重新点一次?”
"You want me to place the entire order again?"
“是的 如果您 不介意的话 我准备好了”
"Aye, if you don't mind. I'm ready whenever you are."
“我觉得大家可以 点自己想吃的 我就不⋯
"I think everybody can order for themselves at the table. I..."
我就不为大家代劳了
"I don't think it's necessary to hold their hands."
大家就点自己想吃的
"Everybody can order individually."
然后重新开始 好吗?”
"And we can go from there, okay? We can go from there."
史蒂夫说:“我也想自己点
Steve was like, "Oh, I wish I could
但我害怕会冒犯别人 所以⋯
but I'm so afraid I might offend someone. I..."
"I think my friend here should order for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead."
我觉得应该让 我的朋友来点 来吧 特雷弗
你点吧 毕竟你比我更了解印度文化”
"Go ahead. You're far more cultured than I am."
我说:“不 史蒂夫 你来点吧
I said, "No, Steve, please. You can try your hand."
我相信你肯定知道自己想吃什么”
"I'm sure you know what you want."
他说:“不 万一我说了 什么让人尴尬的话怎么办?
He's like, "No, but what if I say something embarrassing?"
我最不想做的事 就是冒犯别人的文化 特雷弗”
"The last thing I'd want to do is offend another person's culture, Trevor."
“你不会冒犯别人的 又不会出什么大错 好吗?
"You can't offend anybody. There are no mistakes here, okay?"
我们都是朋友 好吗?
"We are all friends, okay?"
如果有人犯错 大家忘了就好
"If anybody make a mistake, we forget about it."
不管今天发生什么 反正总会忘掉的 不是吗?
"In fact, whatever happens today, we're all gonna forget about it, okay?"
你点吧”
"Just order. Just order."
他说:“虽然我 很想点 但还是你点吧”
He's like, "No, I really wish I could, but Trevor, please go on."
-“你点吧 史蒂夫” -“不 还是你点吧 特雷弗”
I said, "No, just order, Steve." "No, please, Trevor."
“快点点菜 你个混蛋!”
I was like, "Order, bastard!"
“快点!”
"Just order!"
旁边的服务员说: “嘿 没必要为这个吵架”
The waiter was like, "Hey, there's no need to fight amongst yourselves."
“很明显 你的朋友有点不自在
"Look, clearly your friend's a little uncomfortable."
你就给他点吧”
"Right? Just order for him."
“是啊 是很不自在”
"Yes, it's totally uncomfortable."
“好吧 那就给我们来⋯
"Okay, could we please have, um...
三张印度飞饼 然后⋯
uh, three rumali rotis, and...
三个蒜香卷馕
three garlic naan
一份沙希奶酪 一份菠菜奶酪
uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer
然后再来一份羊羔肉咖喱
and, uh, could we also get a lamb rogan josh?"
我们还想要一份奶油鸡”
"And we're also going to be having, uh, one butter chicken--"
“给你的白人朋友?”
"For your Caucasian friends?"
“给大家
"For anybody. For anybody."
大家想吃什么样的咖喱都行 不一定非要加香料
"Anybody can enjoy different types of curry. They don't all have to be spicy."
那并不重要 只要大家参与就好
"It doesn't matter, as long as you participate."
怎么吃都行”
"There is no wrong way."
“你真是太通情达理了 特雷弗”
"Oh, you're so understanding, Trevor."
“我是很通情达理
"Yes. Yes, I am."
"Could we, um, also please get, uh--"
我们还想点一个⋯”
"Aren't you gonna answer that?"
“你不接吗?”
"No, they can call me back later."
“不 等会儿还会再打过来的”
"It's getting awkward. Just answer your phone. I'll wait."
他说:“都有点 尴尬了 你接吧 我等你”
"Okay."
“好吧”
"Hello?"
“喂?”
“是的 我是特雷弗 有什么事吗?
"Yes, this is Trevor speaking. How can I help you?"
"Yes, no, one and the same. Can you get to the point?"
你没打错 你有什么事?
我现在不太方便 你能不能⋯
"I can't talk right now. Can you..."
你到底有什么事? 我不太方便 能不能⋯
"Can you tell me what you need? I can't speak for too long. Can you..."
不 我的声音 没问题 你能不能⋯
"No, there is nothing wrong with my voice. Can you just get..."
"No, everything's fine. No, I have not been kidnapped. No."
不 我没事 我没被绑架
我没被绑架 我没事
"I have not been kidnapped. Everything is fine."
这不是求救信号 你到底找我什么事?
"This is not a secret message. Just, can you tell me what you need?"
不 我们可以等会再说
"No, we can talk later then. We--"
我的声音 有时候就是这样 别担心
"No, yeah, my voice is like this sometimes. Don't worry about that."
不 我了解我的声音
"Just-- No, and I think I know my voice."
我也了解我的声音
"I know my voice also."
我一直都这样 好吗?
"Well, I've been me my whole life, okay?"
好吧 等会儿再说
"Okay, fine. We'll talk later. We'll talk later."
好吧 我也爱你 妈妈 再见”
"Okay, okay, okay. Love you too, Mommy. Bye-bye."
那是我吃过的最尴尬的一顿饭
Most awkward meal I've ever had in my life.
我几乎没怎么吃
I barely ate a thing.
全程都坐在那里 思考人生
I just sat there thinking about my life.
终于要走的时候
We finally get up to leave.
Steve is beaming from ear to ear.
史蒂夫笑得脸都快裂开了
They walk out ahead of me
他们走在我的前面
正当我要离开餐馆的时候 那个服务员出来挥手送别
and as I'm leaving the restaurant, the waiter waves us off.
他说:“各位晚安!”
"Good night, everybody! Have a great night."
我们也向他挥手 他又说:“不好意思 您等一下”
And we wave at him. He's like, "Excuse me, before you go, hey."
“你不是特雷弗诺亚吗?
"Aren't you Trevor Noah?"
"The comedian, right?"
那个喜剧演员 对吧?”
我说:“是啊 怎么了?”
I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, why?"
他说:“没什么 只是⋯
He's like, "Oh, no, because..."
你被耍了 特雷弗!
"I totally got you, Trevor!"
我整到你了!
“等等 什么?你是印度人?”
Like, "Wait, wait, what...?"
"Wait, you're Indian?" He's like, "Of course I'm Indian!"
他说:“我当然是印度人!
我当然是印度人! 这里都是印度人!
"Of course I'm Indian! Whole place is Indian!"
你被我耍了”
"I totally got you, huh?"
我说:“我不明白” 他说:“你不明白?”
I said, "I don't understand." He's like, "You don't understand?"
“你一进来 我就发现你了
"You walked in. I said, 'Look, Trevor Noah's coming.'"
然后你突然开始说印度口音 我想‘那我也来说口音’
"Then you start talking with accent. I go, 'I'll also do accent.'"
于是你说口音 我也说口音
"Then you were doing accent. Then I do accent."
你讲笑话 我也讲笑话 你喜欢这个笑话吗?”
"Then you were doing accent. You make joke, I make joke."
"Do you like joke?" I was like, "No, I don't like your joke!"
我说:“不 我不喜欢你的笑话!
我还以为我要被抵制了 你明白吗?”
"I thought I was about to get canceled! You see this shit?"
他说:“太好笑了 你满脑子 都是汗!不过不是吃咖喱吃的
He's like, "It was amazing. You were sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?"
实在太好笑了 特雷弗!”
"That was so funny, Trevor!"
“一点都不好笑 我的朋友都在嘲笑我”
I was like, "It was not funny. My friends were laughing at me."
他说“我知道”
Like, "I know." Like, "I was scared, man. Why would you do that?"
“我快吓死了 你为什么要这样?”
他说:“因为 特雷弗 我喜欢从别人的痛苦中获得快乐
Like, "Because, Trevor, I take great joy in the pain and suffering of others."
"It's called schadenfreude."
这叫幸灾乐祸”
呦 多伦多!
Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much for coming out!
你们太棒了 谢谢你们来看我的演出!
I love you all. Good night!
我爱你们 晚安!
I love you guys so much. Good night, everybody.
我爱你们 晚安 各位
字幕翻译:吕家莹